Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Nairn goes it alone

The Royal Burgh of Nairn has declared itself an independent state today.
What was a debate upon the amalgamation of the three community councils has turned into a full-blown move to total independence. Details are sketchy at the present time, but it would seem that a coalition government is being formed and negotiations are in progress with help from the SNP who have long held a strong mandate for independence.
A representative from Nairn will attend the G20 summit with world leaders invited to holiday in the town after the event.
‘I’m really excited about Nairn’ said a spokesperson, ‘for years we have just been a small backwater, now we are truly on the world map, this is a real sea change for Nairn. We will be seen as the new tourism state’.
Nairnites can expect to see the new currency the ‘Nairnite’ in circulation soon.
All taxes are to be abolished with the exception of that of energy to encourage Nairnites to shop in the High Street rather than travel further a field.
A booze subsidy to encourage tourism means that beer will be reduced to 10p a pint and in a similar vain a wee nip will also cost just 10p. Happy hours will last all day with the exception of one hour for lunch, and a half-day on Wednesdays.
With the new taxation laws five major supermarkets want to open stores in the town, and the proposed bypass will no longer be needed as only bona fide holidaymakers and Nairnites will be able to enter and leave the state.
All new housing projects will be shelved until such time as the state requires new workers.
There has been no comment from either
Inverness or the Government in Westminster so far.


Anonymous said...

Who or what is a "Nairnite"

Anonymous said...

I always thought they were a bit like Nurnites?

Anonymous said...

I think I got 10 beers for a Nairnite yesterday, but my memory is a bit fuzzy today