Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ayeright's blue print for Nairn

F*** we reckon our correspondent has lost it but in the interests of democracy we publish Ayeright's vision. Here's his mock up of what the Fishertown Bankie will be like, please read on...

'Now and again we suffer rather than gain from a visionary. Often these people are architects who inflict their view of the world upon us, then see it built and move on.
Some are more prophet like, such as the Brahan Seer, Marx as Spurtle tells us, and Sandy Park who have issued forth their versions of the future. Some got it right, others very wrong.
Hoping I'm the latter and inspired by the new posts on the bankie I present my future of Nairn in glorious techno-colour.
First this involves building a new supermarket on the Links. This is an ideal site and offers excellent parking, and it is not too far from what is left of the High street.
Access to the new hyperstore would be via a new super highway which would also act as a Nairn bypass.
Based around the coast, this would provide a picturesque road to attract tourists. The new highway would also include cycle, pram, and extra wide footpaths to eliminate the current perceived congestion on the bankie, this would also act as a unique selling point for Nairn.
The flats at the harbour would be knocked down and a Hilton hotel built, as well as a wine bar, a bistro, and of course a McDonalds (No town would be complete without one)
Part of the harbour itself would be filled in to provide extra parking, and only shiny boats over 30’ would be able to moor there.
As we all begin to buy our messages on-line, the only shop left on the High Street will be the Co-op which will remain out of principle rather than profit
The Baily bridge would be replaced by a new one to accomadate the new Nairn bypass, and Parkdean would become a Disney World
Nairn pipe band will march around the town in ever decreasing circles on Saturdays and local holidays to remind folk that the pipes were instruments of war. And much shaking of fists will be seen when they blow up their bags for the 5:00 am start.
A further attraction for tourists would be that Highland council would promote driving on the right. This would save a huge amount of monies in ‘keep to the left signs’ and would seem much more tourist friendly.
Nairn will become so popular that everyone will want to come and live here and new housing will stretch as far as Inverness to the West, and Elgin to the East
Everyone from now until the plan is finished will upload their photos onto Flickr so that future generations can be reminded that Nairn was once a nice little seaside town in the Highlands, before 21st Century Schizoid Man got his ideas adopted!

For all who remember King Crimson and Nairn (That was)
King Crimson - 21st Century Schizoid Man

Death seed blind mans greed
Poets starving children bleed
Nothing hes got he really needs
Twenty first century schizoid man.'

Bump: masterpiece


Bill said...

Whoever 'AyeRight' is, he/she must at least be credited with a fervent imagination, whether native or fuelled by some kind of stimulant ;)

I suspect there is an alternative somewhere between the slowly-dying backwater that the writer seems to envisage as the ideal ('stop the world I want to get off', sort of) and the vision of the future outlined. Even if the commercial enterprises outlined were ever likely to come to the north of Scotland (e.g. Disneyland), not a remote possibility in my view for all sorts of reasons, much of the 'vision' seems equally unlikely, again for all sorts of reasons. Just to mention one - would it be sensible to have such costly developments so close to sea-level, if there is any truth to the fears of 'global warming' and the predicted rise of sea-levels over say the coming century, or two?

However, I enjoyed reading this - it made me chuckle ;)

Another chuckle - word verification 'scouts'.

dr-grigor said...

same here i am still wiping the tears from my eyes !!!