Saturday, January 03, 2009

Who ate all the pies? (Mince)

Looks like Ayeright has taken the test?
'We all loaded the seasonal beast of burden (Supermarket shopping trolley) with those necessary food items to tide us over shops being closed for Christmas day, after all 24 hours is a long time to go without food shopping, you can never be too careful.
Even if we ignore the crisps, sherry, chocolates, biscuits, nuts, candied fruit, port, sweets, cakes, sausage rolls, olives, cheese, wine, cream, nibbles, brandy butter, and the mince pies, Christmas is without doubt a time of excess food consumption, well purchase anyway. Witness the traditional dinner, if we didn’t buy too much why are there so many recipes for left over turkey? For many plates Brussel sprouts come but once a year, why do we eat them at Christmas? no-one can quite remember. Ask many folk why do we celebrate Christmas and you may get blank looks - or ‘tradition, in it’ is often the reply.
Heaving yourself from the dining table to the settee you take up the Christmas pole position on the formula one seating grid. From here, poised with friends and family beside you, you are ready for the off. ‘Change over the channel...’ is the cry but you have the remote, and as much as the other folk in the room plead with you, until you keel over you have the power to make the queen compulsory viewing.
Post Christmas day you will have a Christmas party. For this you will need to go out and buy crisps, sherry, chocolates, biscuits, nuts, candied fruit, port, sweets, cakes, sausage rolls, olives, cheese, wine, cream, nibbles, brandy butter, more mince pies, oh and some puffed pasty.
The buffet table (Dining table covered with white sheet) has a discernible bend in the middle as it groans under the weight of festive cheer. Party guests, still stuffed from their own light Christmas fair politely decline all that is offered but if pressed take a low fat crisp which they hold all evening thus avoiding anymore food. Many invited guests have rung with their apologies, it would seem a tummy bug is raging but it seems more likely that they just cannot face anymore food.
After the party the fridge flatly refuses to take in the remaining food, the bin is full, so out the back door it all goes. The normally ravenous wild birds are also stuffed so the gigantic pile of party food is still there for all the neighbours to see the next morning. Afraid you can hear words such as ‘shocking waste’ being spoken behind twitchy curtains you go out with a black sack to clear it away.
Just as the mist of food mountains begin to clear and you can nearly see the back of the pantry, the next food extravaganza looms - New Years day.
Once again your favourite store is going to be closed for a whole day so you are sent out to purchase crisps, beer, chocolates, biscuits, nuts, candied fruit, beer, sweets, cakes, sausage rolls, olives, cheese, beer, cream, nibbles, brandy butter, puffed pasty, bin bags, several bottles of whisky, and you get some mince pies because they are reduced.
Replete from your New Year’s day meal you stagger to the settee, your stomach trails a small distance behind. The TV remote control is somewhere but you are past caring, and judging by what is offered for you to watch, so are the program schedulers.
The button that has done such a sterling job holding the waist of your trousers together decides it is time to become a space cadet and with a slight ping flies in a trajectory which takes it to somewhere behind the Christmas tree. A small flurry of dry pine needles drop as it passes, the button is never to be seen again.
Thoughts of gym membership fleetingly swim past as you feel too unfit to even get there. Another New Year’s resolution that can wait for another year.
And so dear Gurnites another festive period is closing and for those who did consume too many mince pies (Even AyeRight ate one and he doesn’t like them)
here is a quick test to see if you do indeed carry excess body fat, hard to believe I know. All that you require is a tape measure and some honest answers - see you at the gym?'

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